You are attractive

Here is another complaint/observation I have about one of the messed up trends in our society: we don't give out compliments. Not enough. How many times do you hear that you are attractive, smart, witty, fun, charismatic, supportive, whatever? And who do you hear those compliments from? Our parents are good for some compliments, especially when we were younger. But who now? Certainly our significant others. But I have noticed that we don't seem to compliment our friends, acquaintances, or complete strangers enough.

Is it because we don't think that they will accept/appreciate the compliment? Is it because we think that only those that really know and care deeply for a person should give out those compliments? Do we not say it for fear that it will make the target of the compliment feel awkward? Seriously, just because I say that someone is attractive or fun to be around, that doesn't mean that I have to want to have sex with that person or that I am in love with him/her. {yeah, and that him/her thing should a whole other blog. I am all for a 3rd person singular gender neutral pronoun, dammit!} Or, do we not pay compliments because they have come to be full of insincerity? And maybe that is why so many people have a problem accepting compliments. High correlation? I think so. Cause & effect? Maybe, but if so, which way? How can you believe in a compliment if so many are just ice cream cones? {something sweet that melts in 5 minutes; something just to make you happy} Or, why would you spend the time & effort to pay someone a compliment if they are just going to roll their eyes at you and reply with an insincere thank you.

So, if these are problems with where our society has gone, and I think they are, how do we fix this? First off, pay someone a compliment. And do it right: stop, look them in the eyes, and say it slowly. A compliment is something that you should enjoy saying, something that you just feel you cannot keep to yourself. Second, smile and thank the next person who pays you a compliment. Just accept that, even if you don't believe it yourself yet, the compliment is something that they see and believe in you.

-A

Alli Fast

What is it about driving fast that makes me feel so much better? I can get into my car in a foul mood, riled up, near tears, whatever. But, drop down the window, crank up the music, and fly across the road and then I am feeling better. There is just something about the feeling of the car going faster and pushing you forward through space, of going around curves and the pull to the side, of zipping sideways in and out of lanes and the dip in the gut. The stress just melts away and a smile comes to my face. I drag my hand through the air outside the window. I dance to the music. I enjoy myself. Stops don't even bother me all that much because I know that in a few minutes I will have my foot on the gas again and feel the power of the car accelerating. Mmmm! Love it!

Alli go fast. Alli feel better.

-A

Who am I?

I have a few insecurities. Don't we all? But mine tend to revolve around who I am. I don't see me as having a clear cut personality. Damn you Katie Atkinson for saying those words so long ago, but they have sat in my memory for years. I feel that I often become whoever I need to be around different people, a chameleon of personalities. So, if it changes that much, what is it that I am? Or, is that a personality type? I was told tonight that I make people comfortable around me ... is that because of who I am or that I am adept at reflecting back to them someone they want to be around. Or, again, is that a personality in and of itself and this isn't something to stress and fret over. Maybe I just need to accept that who I am is just so many different, near opposite ideas, and not that I change to fit the situation. But that what I am is a personality that is quiet & outgoing, reserved & flirty, dreamer & grounded, chaotic & a planner.

Ok, bare with me because to me this is related: I don't have many friends. Or, I don't perceive myself to have many friends. I would say that I can count on one hand the number of people that actively seek to spend time with me, and I acquired 3 of them in the last few months. Ok, not counting family. And I mean people that don't include me in a long list of others, that don't include me as an after thought, that don't include me because I am dating or married to one of their friends. I am sure some of this is my fault. Often, I don't go seeking to spend time with people who could be closer friends (Melanie, Honey, Gail ... ) because I don't think that they would want to spend time with me. What kind of messed up self-fulfilling set up is that?!?!? Or, like the folks at work, I don't think they'd like the real me so they only see small parts of who I am. Gah! But if I don't know who I am, then who am I showing them and who am I hiding?!?! Yeah, I'm a bit messed up on this.

I know when I left Jason, I was really worried about where I would land among our friends. I had become so distant from my friends in NC after the move down here. And I chalked most of my new friends in Georgia as actually being Jason's friends and my acquaintances. Which is pretty much how that turned out. I acquired new friends then through Brooks ... but they seem to have become distant through our break-up. Not all, but some. So, as I look back, I don't see a solid group of friends that have been with me for longer than 5 years. I had friends in high school, in college, while teaching in NC, and now while living in GA. But it seems that rarely does a friendship with someone carry over into the next segment of the timeline of my life. Again, I'm willing to take some of the fault. But then that bothers me about who that makes me. I wonder what it is about me that seems to get a good group of friends, and then cut them loose and move on to another group.

So, for now, thank you to those that are my friends. My goal is to do better by you and not lose you in the next few years. My goal is to also set up some time for me to get together with some of the others, the ones that may be lost friends if I don't.

-A

On Death, Fun, Bad Decisions, and Life

Around 2:30 this morning a truck containing 3 young men had an accident. One died and the other two are currently in the hospital. I don't know what exactly happened, but the police suspect alcohol and speed to have been involved. This is important to me because two of them had been on my class rosters within the last 3 years (and maybe all three, there is some confusion here as to who the 3rd boy is). So, death, fun, bad decisions, and life. I know that is a strange mix to ponder, but that is what's running through my mind today.

Death: Why does it hurt when someone dies? It doesn't always, and different people experience different levels of pain. But more related to my thoughts today: what are the reasons for the pain? I get the whole they-won't-be-a-part-of-my-life pain. Death can create an absence in our lives, a void that used to be filled. The pain created by that loss makes sense to me. In some ways the pain is lessened over time as the void shrinks or is filled by other people or activities. I don't hurt daily from Tracy's death, but I do feel it occasionally. I also get the loss-of-a-dream-for-the-future. I think that pain comes more from the a death of the dream than the death of the person. And maybe that is some of what I feel today for Adam. He was less than 2 weeks away from graduation. That is seen as a big door that we walk through, entering a new part of our lives. I'll never get to find out what he could have been, what he could have done. But who is to say that there is a good future for anyone. Maybe some deaths come when a person has met their potential. Maybe some deaths come just as a chance for the soul to end a life heading nowhere good as a way to get a chance to start it all over and try for better next time. That sounds like the "Choose Your Own Adventure" view to reincarnation. And maybe where most of the pain comes from is the unknown: could there have been more to that life; is there a "better place" after death?

Fun: It has come up quite a bit recently that I seem to put a lot of importance on feeling good and having fun. I like fun, because it is ... well ... fun. I figure most of what we do, we do because we enjoy it on some level. It is what we *want* to do. Even the things that we do through responsibility can be linked up to giving us a good feeling. A feeling of accomplishment or success is a good feeling. What is so bad about wanting to feel good?

Bad Decisions: And this actually is an extension of my thoughts on fun. When does pursuing fun become a bad decision? Are there bad decisions? These boys were out having fun but it could easily be said that they made a bad decision: they were out at 2:30 on a school night, possibly drinking, possibly driving too fast. When does it cross the line from a fun time to a stupid decision? I don't think a choice should be labeled "bad" just because there is a negative result. We don't know what the result will be when we make a choice. Shouldn't it have been a bad choice all along? Even if we get away with it? Even if we don't get caught or burned by the choice? And if it was a bad choice all along, what made it a bad choice from the beginning? Is it just because it had the potential to cause harm? Many decisions have the potential to cause harm that we wouldn't ordinarily label as bad. Maybe it is the level of potential harm, but then where is that level set. Or maybe are no choices "bad choices" but rather it is just something we attribute to choices after we deem the consequences too high a price to have to be paid as a way to help us make sense of a crazy world. The decision itself isn't good or bad, sometimes the results just suck.

Life: One last thought, coming from my email signature and rather appropriate for the day, a quote from John W. Garnder: Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. Live the life you want to live because there isn't a chance to go back and change any part of it. That is what I am trying to do. I can't beat myself up over the past, but in viewing it now from a slight distance I can see the changes I want to make in the now, in my life, in me. I will try to proceed in a way that shows I have learned from my previous actions and experiences, in a way that shows what I value and who I value.

I don't even know if these thoughts are all coherent. I don't think I am done with them, but my brain needs a rest for the day.

-A

Mediocrity

How do you feel and react when someone compliments you? Do you appreciate it and feel good about yourself? Or, is there another reaction? I have noticed that a lot of people (me included) don't do well with compliments. It was recently pointed out to me that I will dodge or deflect a compliment. When did it become a normal reaction to dismiss a compliment? What makes some people have a hard time accepting that others think there is something good or special about them? What were we taught that wired some of us this way? Are we still doing it to our children?

I think at some point in time it became okay to be mediocre or even to try for mediocrity, as if it is some character flaw to see ourselves as special or good at what we do. Or maybe it is just an outward show of playing down the praise, but inside we are thrilled to have the acknowledgment. I think some people are scared of the praise. That the praise will set up the prospect for them to be special, good, spectacular, whatever, and they are worried they can't meet that expectation.

Maybe this isn't as wide spread as I see it, but these reactions disturb me. And I know that I am guilty of it, too. But, I have started to pay close attention to what I say, do, and feel when I hear something nice about me (actually, all the time, but this is something to which I have taken special notice). I almost have to pause for a brief moment to give myself an internal okay to accept the praise, flattery, whatever is being said. Isn't that sad? Maybe if I do it enough this new response will become the norm.

I hope that I am raising my daughter and son to be able to appreciate their strengths and accept admiration/approval. I hope I can set them a good example in this.

-A

Being me

Funny, Mark's blog brought be back to Blogger and thinking of this old blog yet again. Lots of changes for me lately and they have got me thinking. Who am I now? Who have I been the last 3 years? I was there some of the time. But I do not feel like I was being true to myself. I hope I am back to being me. I feel like I am. Or at least trying to be true to who I want to be and figuring out who that might be.

Often I feel like I am becoming me again, I come back things that I enjoy but left behind ... for whatever reason. But, then I lose myself again. Lose myself into the day to day life. Lose myself into a relationship that isn't healthy. I am sick of losing myself. How do we do that so many times in our lives? How do we let it happen? I guess it isn't right to say "we". I think it is a glitch in my personality. I have this tendency to diminish who I am into someone that I think others expect me to be.

In other thoughts, all loves are different. And all new loves feel like they are the best there has ever been. Is that just the feeling because it is so good or is that the feeling because it really is better? Doesn't each new love need to be better than those before for us to pursue it? I mean, what would be the point in pursuing a love that feels just like something before or worse than something before.

Yep, you guessed it. I'm in love again. And it feels amazing. But unlike last time, I feel like I get to be me. I share my flaws rather than trying to hide or compensate for them. I don't want to fall into that trap of presenting someone I'm not and then having to be that false-me for the rest of the relationship.

Here's to it being good this time. Here's to be being strong. Here's to me figuring out who I am.

-A

Away too long

Everything goes in cycles. I post here off and on ... but I know it is here. Why not more often? I only came back here today because I was bored and decided to catch up on a buddy's blog. I say "buddy" but he doesn't even know that I know of his blog. I haven't seen him in a while and if I emailed him, I doubt he would know who I was unless I mentioned my husband. My husband ... my soon to be ex-husband. Who do I become once we are divorced? Who am I now to my friends that I acquired through him? I've already lost one friend because of this separation. I wonder how many more ... I wonder how many won't even be able to recall who I am when I can't say that I am Jason's wife any more.

Anyways, back to Mark's blog - he was a paladin (which I can see) so I had to go and see what class I was. :( First I was an NPC ... nothing special. Not anything good, just exactly that: nothing special. Who wants to be nothing special. So, of course I couldn't just leave it at that. I took the quiz again. I only changed a few answers and still really don't think that I incorrectly answered any the first or second time through but this time I get a prestige class. Odd that only 2 or 3 different answers bumped me up from NPC, past a regular class, to a prestige class. I'm guessing it is just a prestige class because it says that I'm a mix of two classes/abilities.

Arcane Trickster
22% Combativeness, 100% Sneakiness, 76% Intellect, 47% Spirituality
Brilliant and sneaky: You are an Arcane Trickster!
Score! You have a prestige class. A prestige class can only be taken after you've fulfilled certain requirements. This may mean that you're an exceptionally talented person, but it probably doesn't.
Arcane Tricksters combine arcane magic with rogue skills and sensibilities. They use their magic to confuse their opponents or to augment their more mundane, roguish skills. If you thought it was annoying keeping an eye that that rogue, the Arcane Trickster is probably picking your pocket from the other side of the room.
Both smart and sneaky, you're probably the type of person that loves planning practical jokes... either that or knocking over banks.



My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 13% on Combativeness

You scored higher than 99% on Sneakiness

You scored higher than 61% on Intellect

You scored higher than 36% on Spirituality

The RPG Class Test
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=1532690756472625027

A heart the size of the world

Ever notice how some words just pierce right through any armor in place and penetrate your heart? What gives those words that ability? What gives some people the ability to say those words? Does it improve with practice? Is it an overall ability that a person can use with everyone, or does it work with certain recipients?

I have definitely noticed when it happens, both from me and to me. As to the other questions, I don't know. I wish I did. Every time I manage to pull it off (usually without ever meaning to) it is a small gift. A bonus. A treat. I made someone's heart skip a beat. I helped to show them just who or what they truly are. I made them speechless as they try to assimilate the truth of my words into their understanding of the world and their place in it.

B - you do have a heart the size of the world.

The Perfect Woman

I got a great compliment yesterday. I was offering to paint up a miniature for a friend and mentioned that I was an *award winning painter* now! Yeah, I was bragging. I think I'm a pretty good mini-painter and I've been absolutely thrilled since the con that I won (well, tied) a painting contest.

After that, I was told I was the "perfect woman". Then, my qualities were listed: I paint minis, I game -and I'm not the wife that gets dragged to gaming, I actively seek it out- , I roleplay, I look good (and what woman really hates hearing that???), I wear snarky t-shirts (yesterday was "rogues do it from behind" - hey! I was playing my rogues yesterday!), and I crack witty jokes.

I've got to admit, that was a very pleasing ego boost! Thank you, Sean. The next beer is on me!

I think a lot of it is that I have always gotten along better with men than with women. And I don't know why that is. It works out well in the gaming community, there really aren't that many women that play rpgs. Hell, that just makes me more of a unique quantity.

I really hated moving down to the Hot-lanta area. It took me over a year before I started even making friends. And all of them are gamers. That certainly isn't a complaint. I'm thankful. If it weren't for the active gaming community here, it would be just me and the family. Odd ... with the gamers, at cons, I am constantly seeing people, chatting, smiling, having fun. Outside of them, I'm very much alone. Even looking at my buddy list on Trillian, the only people on there other than gamers are either family (and in my family, only my mom isn't a gamer also) or my students.

Hrmmm ... my students ... that is a post for a different day.

L8r

Someone Special

Thank you, love! You just made me feel so incredibly special. I've never had someone tell me that they wished they could give me a dream, that they want to give me magic, that they would create for me a day in which I was the center of so much. I wasn't lying or exaggerating when I said I wasn't used to that. I didn't grow up with the focus and adoration of my parents ... any of them. My wedding wasn't much in the way of a celebration. We got married at the county jail house, I was 7 months pregnant, my daughter and mother were there. I've never been sad about it or found that day lacking. It did what it needed. I just didn't realize until today that I would have enjoyed the romance.

I don't know how you can make me so happy and so sad at the same time. You've disagreed with me, but I really don't have a right to expect to get anymore than I do. Love or not, there are circumstances that will keep us from getting all that we want. I don't want to mope and mourn for what I can not have, I don't want to pine for more. You have given me so much. I am happy for that. I am happy for every smile you show me, for every caring thought you have for me.

A

Hunger

Ever love someone so much that just being away from them hurt? It shouldn't, right? The love ought to brighten every part of your life. Bah! I'm just moody. Being sexually unsatisfied and frustrated twice today, my body hungers for some attention. Having not eaten much today, my body hungers for plain ol' food. Having not slept much last night, my body just needs rest. I'm starved for some of the basics, and it is making me depressed. Easy fix = go eat then go have sex then go to sleep. But it is just a downward spiral. I'm hungry, but not appetized, so I don't eat. Since my energy reserves are dropping low, I don' t have sex. The sleep bit ... eh, that will come.

*mental kick to the head* Agh! Stop it. I'm going to get something to snack on.

...

Hmmmm ... less than 2 hours left in the first day of the new year. Would you believe that I haven't thought of any resolutions. Guess I ought to start:

1. I resolve to stop moping around when I get in a funk ... that'll be hard to do. Sometimes a funk and a healthy cry just feel so good.
2. I resolve to spend more time with my kids. (annual thing :) )
3. I resolve either to do my job right or to quit ... I'm sick of whining about it.
4. I resolve to be grounded and search for my connections (another annual thing)

...

I'm sure there will be more. Aren't there always?

To B & J, I love you both so very much. How can I have a life with both of you? How can I not?

Midnight dreams

Yeah ... I wish I was dreaming right now. Unfortunately my son has other plans for me at this time. Yep, 1am and the kid is still going strong. It is just him, me, and whatever he can think up for us to do ... which involves kicking an inflatable soccer ball around right now. There is something magical about being with a kid at this time of night. No one else is awake. No one is around. I remember when my daughter was just a baby. I used to look forward to her waking up for a 2am feeding and not going back to sleep.

Who knows ... maybe it is just my sleepiness that makes the moment seem all hazy and wonderful. I'll probably regret it in the morning. ;)

Sweet dreams