In His Eyes

In his eyes, I am fantastic in so many ways.

That he sees me as fantastic means the world to me! He sees the strength, caring, smarts, love, silliness, insecurities, craziness, passion, and weaknesses in me. He likes all the parts of me. He has seen me at my worst, at my lowest, and he still likes me. And that is helping me to learn to like myself again. He sees me and encourages me to do what I want, to be myself, to find out more about what I like and what I want to do. That is one of the many reasons why I value him so much.

That he sees me as fantastic is amazing, and wow it also hurts! In a good way, but it hurts. Rarely in my life have I felt that people knew the real me, let alone liked the real me. Yes, I know that some of that is self-fulfilling because I haven't often let people see the real me. (See "Who Am I?" post.) But that trust problem came from so many times where I did share who I was with people and got shunned for it. For whatever reason, I didn't have much of this before. It is so good to have it now but there is some pain at knowing it was missing for so long. And here he is his knowing and loving me. It is a little scary. I don't want to let him down.

I will add that he is not the only one seeing and saying this to me, especially lately. Maybe I am being more trusting of my friends and sharing with them the real me. Maybe there are more people in my life looking to see me. Or maybe I am just listening better now.

-A

Alli Fast

What is it about driving fast that makes me feel so much better? I can get into my car in a foul mood, riled up, near tears, whatever. But, drop down the window, crank up the music, and fly across the road and then I am feeling better. There is just something about the feeling of the car going faster and pushing you forward through space, of going around curves and the pull to the side, of zipping sideways in and out of lanes and the dip in the gut. The stress just melts away and a smile comes to my face. I drag my hand through the air outside the window. I dance to the music. I enjoy myself. Stops don't even bother me all that much because I know that in a few minutes I will have my foot on the gas again and feel the power of the car accelerating. Mmmm! Love it!

Alli go fast. Alli feel better.

-A