In His Eyes

In his eyes, I am fantastic in so many ways.

That he sees me as fantastic means the world to me! He sees the strength, caring, smarts, love, silliness, insecurities, craziness, passion, and weaknesses in me. He likes all the parts of me. He has seen me at my worst, at my lowest, and he still likes me. And that is helping me to learn to like myself again. He sees me and encourages me to do what I want, to be myself, to find out more about what I like and what I want to do. That is one of the many reasons why I value him so much.

That he sees me as fantastic is amazing, and wow it also hurts! In a good way, but it hurts. Rarely in my life have I felt that people knew the real me, let alone liked the real me. Yes, I know that some of that is self-fulfilling because I haven't often let people see the real me. (See "Who Am I?" post.) But that trust problem came from so many times where I did share who I was with people and got shunned for it. For whatever reason, I didn't have much of this before. It is so good to have it now but there is some pain at knowing it was missing for so long. And here he is his knowing and loving me. It is a little scary. I don't want to let him down.

I will add that he is not the only one seeing and saying this to me, especially lately. Maybe I am being more trusting of my friends and sharing with them the real me. Maybe there are more people in my life looking to see me. Or maybe I am just listening better now.

-A

You are attractive

Here is another complaint/observation I have about one of the messed up trends in our society: we don't give out compliments. Not enough. How many times do you hear that you are attractive, smart, witty, fun, charismatic, supportive, whatever? And who do you hear those compliments from? Our parents are good for some compliments, especially when we were younger. But who now? Certainly our significant others. But I have noticed that we don't seem to compliment our friends, acquaintances, or complete strangers enough.

Is it because we don't think that they will accept/appreciate the compliment? Is it because we think that only those that really know and care deeply for a person should give out those compliments? Do we not say it for fear that it will make the target of the compliment feel awkward? Seriously, just because I say that someone is attractive or fun to be around, that doesn't mean that I have to want to have sex with that person or that I am in love with him/her. {yeah, and that him/her thing should a whole other blog. I am all for a 3rd person singular gender neutral pronoun, dammit!} Or, do we not pay compliments because they have come to be full of insincerity? And maybe that is why so many people have a problem accepting compliments. High correlation? I think so. Cause & effect? Maybe, but if so, which way? How can you believe in a compliment if so many are just ice cream cones? {something sweet that melts in 5 minutes; something just to make you happy} Or, why would you spend the time & effort to pay someone a compliment if they are just going to roll their eyes at you and reply with an insincere thank you.

So, if these are problems with where our society has gone, and I think they are, how do we fix this? First off, pay someone a compliment. And do it right: stop, look them in the eyes, and say it slowly. A compliment is something that you should enjoy saying, something that you just feel you cannot keep to yourself. Second, smile and thank the next person who pays you a compliment. Just accept that, even if you don't believe it yourself yet, the compliment is something that they see and believe in you.

-A

Mediocrity

How do you feel and react when someone compliments you? Do you appreciate it and feel good about yourself? Or, is there another reaction? I have noticed that a lot of people (me included) don't do well with compliments. It was recently pointed out to me that I will dodge or deflect a compliment. When did it become a normal reaction to dismiss a compliment? What makes some people have a hard time accepting that others think there is something good or special about them? What were we taught that wired some of us this way? Are we still doing it to our children?

I think at some point in time it became okay to be mediocre or even to try for mediocrity, as if it is some character flaw to see ourselves as special or good at what we do. Or maybe it is just an outward show of playing down the praise, but inside we are thrilled to have the acknowledgment. I think some people are scared of the praise. That the praise will set up the prospect for them to be special, good, spectacular, whatever, and they are worried they can't meet that expectation.

Maybe this isn't as wide spread as I see it, but these reactions disturb me. And I know that I am guilty of it, too. But, I have started to pay close attention to what I say, do, and feel when I hear something nice about me (actually, all the time, but this is something to which I have taken special notice). I almost have to pause for a brief moment to give myself an internal okay to accept the praise, flattery, whatever is being said. Isn't that sad? Maybe if I do it enough this new response will become the norm.

I hope that I am raising my daughter and son to be able to appreciate their strengths and accept admiration/approval. I hope I can set them a good example in this.

-A

The Perfect Woman

I got a great compliment yesterday. I was offering to paint up a miniature for a friend and mentioned that I was an *award winning painter* now! Yeah, I was bragging. I think I'm a pretty good mini-painter and I've been absolutely thrilled since the con that I won (well, tied) a painting contest.

After that, I was told I was the "perfect woman". Then, my qualities were listed: I paint minis, I game -and I'm not the wife that gets dragged to gaming, I actively seek it out- , I roleplay, I look good (and what woman really hates hearing that???), I wear snarky t-shirts (yesterday was "rogues do it from behind" - hey! I was playing my rogues yesterday!), and I crack witty jokes.

I've got to admit, that was a very pleasing ego boost! Thank you, Sean. The next beer is on me!

I think a lot of it is that I have always gotten along better with men than with women. And I don't know why that is. It works out well in the gaming community, there really aren't that many women that play rpgs. Hell, that just makes me more of a unique quantity.

I really hated moving down to the Hot-lanta area. It took me over a year before I started even making friends. And all of them are gamers. That certainly isn't a complaint. I'm thankful. If it weren't for the active gaming community here, it would be just me and the family. Odd ... with the gamers, at cons, I am constantly seeing people, chatting, smiling, having fun. Outside of them, I'm very much alone. Even looking at my buddy list on Trillian, the only people on there other than gamers are either family (and in my family, only my mom isn't a gamer also) or my students.

Hrmmm ... my students ... that is a post for a different day.

L8r