In His Eyes

In his eyes, I am fantastic in so many ways.

That he sees me as fantastic means the world to me! He sees the strength, caring, smarts, love, silliness, insecurities, craziness, passion, and weaknesses in me. He likes all the parts of me. He has seen me at my worst, at my lowest, and he still likes me. And that is helping me to learn to like myself again. He sees me and encourages me to do what I want, to be myself, to find out more about what I like and what I want to do. That is one of the many reasons why I value him so much.

That he sees me as fantastic is amazing, and wow it also hurts! In a good way, but it hurts. Rarely in my life have I felt that people knew the real me, let alone liked the real me. Yes, I know that some of that is self-fulfilling because I haven't often let people see the real me. (See "Who Am I?" post.) But that trust problem came from so many times where I did share who I was with people and got shunned for it. For whatever reason, I didn't have much of this before. It is so good to have it now but there is some pain at knowing it was missing for so long. And here he is his knowing and loving me. It is a little scary. I don't want to let him down.

I will add that he is not the only one seeing and saying this to me, especially lately. Maybe I am being more trusting of my friends and sharing with them the real me. Maybe there are more people in my life looking to see me. Or maybe I am just listening better now.

-A

Getting Through A Monday Blegh

The weekend was great! It started with his call Friday morning at 5:15 saying that he was in my yard. Now that is an awesome wake-up call! From snuggling together, watching sci-fi movies, talking about anything and everything, and the outings to see so many friends, it was just all good. It felt so good. I commented once that when we are together it seems like we just pick right back up with where we left off from the last visit. Yeah, the time alone is there too ... but it isn't like we have an awkward getting-to-know-each-other moment. We just are together. (Although, we definitely are still getting to know each other. See below.) I actually slipped up once at the party on Saturday and said, "When we get back to our place ..." *Our* place?!?! He'd only been to my home this one time, but that really did just flow right on out of my mouth. It felt like our place. It felt right.

And now he is on the road heading home.

After he left, I spent some time this morning getting back in touch with friends. Logged into my IM accounts and FB. Things that I didn't bother doing all weekend. That got me through the initial hour. But then the *blegh* hit. I just didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to pick up a book. I didn't want to play a game. I didn't want to watch a movie. (For me to not want to do one of those, that says a lot!) So I took a nap. Yeah, I probably needed it. Lots of late nights and ninja kisses. But it was more that I was just avoiding that he wasn't here. Avoiding having to figure out what to do with my day. Gods! I've had plenty of days with him not here, but this one sucked.

Although the time apart is tough, in some ways I think it is good for us. It gives us each time to do our own thing rather than getting too wrapped up in each other and losing ourselves (something that I have definitely done before and do not want to repeat). It forces us to talk, which lets us learn more about each other and this new entity known as *us*. It also lets that new *us* develop naturally, rather than having some roles cast on either of us that aren't the right fit. And, I do NOT want to get a year down the road only to see us moving apart and thinking, "If only we'd taken more time ..." I do not want to fuck this up. Sure, there will be bumps, small and big. I accept and expect that. But, if not rushing into anything ends up avoiding a big fuck-up in the end ... yeah, I'll take this time apart and be happy that he is just a phone call, email, or IM away.

But, as the title says, I am getting through the blegh. The nap helped, but this post is really my way of working through it. I needed to remember the good weekend and just how great it feels to be together, whether separated by miles or not at all.

-A

You are attractive

Here is another complaint/observation I have about one of the messed up trends in our society: we don't give out compliments. Not enough. How many times do you hear that you are attractive, smart, witty, fun, charismatic, supportive, whatever? And who do you hear those compliments from? Our parents are good for some compliments, especially when we were younger. But who now? Certainly our significant others. But I have noticed that we don't seem to compliment our friends, acquaintances, or complete strangers enough.

Is it because we don't think that they will accept/appreciate the compliment? Is it because we think that only those that really know and care deeply for a person should give out those compliments? Do we not say it for fear that it will make the target of the compliment feel awkward? Seriously, just because I say that someone is attractive or fun to be around, that doesn't mean that I have to want to have sex with that person or that I am in love with him/her. {yeah, and that him/her thing should a whole other blog. I am all for a 3rd person singular gender neutral pronoun, dammit!} Or, do we not pay compliments because they have come to be full of insincerity? And maybe that is why so many people have a problem accepting compliments. High correlation? I think so. Cause & effect? Maybe, but if so, which way? How can you believe in a compliment if so many are just ice cream cones? {something sweet that melts in 5 minutes; something just to make you happy} Or, why would you spend the time & effort to pay someone a compliment if they are just going to roll their eyes at you and reply with an insincere thank you.

So, if these are problems with where our society has gone, and I think they are, how do we fix this? First off, pay someone a compliment. And do it right: stop, look them in the eyes, and say it slowly. A compliment is something that you should enjoy saying, something that you just feel you cannot keep to yourself. Second, smile and thank the next person who pays you a compliment. Just accept that, even if you don't believe it yourself yet, the compliment is something that they see and believe in you.

-A

Alli Fast

What is it about driving fast that makes me feel so much better? I can get into my car in a foul mood, riled up, near tears, whatever. But, drop down the window, crank up the music, and fly across the road and then I am feeling better. There is just something about the feeling of the car going faster and pushing you forward through space, of going around curves and the pull to the side, of zipping sideways in and out of lanes and the dip in the gut. The stress just melts away and a smile comes to my face. I drag my hand through the air outside the window. I dance to the music. I enjoy myself. Stops don't even bother me all that much because I know that in a few minutes I will have my foot on the gas again and feel the power of the car accelerating. Mmmm! Love it!

Alli go fast. Alli feel better.

-A

Who am I?

I have a few insecurities. Don't we all? But mine tend to revolve around who I am. I don't see me as having a clear cut personality. Damn you Katie Atkinson for saying those words so long ago, but they have sat in my memory for years. I feel that I often become whoever I need to be around different people, a chameleon of personalities. So, if it changes that much, what is it that I am? Or, is that a personality type? I was told tonight that I make people comfortable around me ... is that because of who I am or that I am adept at reflecting back to them someone they want to be around. Or, again, is that a personality in and of itself and this isn't something to stress and fret over. Maybe I just need to accept that who I am is just so many different, near opposite ideas, and not that I change to fit the situation. But that what I am is a personality that is quiet & outgoing, reserved & flirty, dreamer & grounded, chaotic & a planner.

Ok, bare with me because to me this is related: I don't have many friends. Or, I don't perceive myself to have many friends. I would say that I can count on one hand the number of people that actively seek to spend time with me, and I acquired 3 of them in the last few months. Ok, not counting family. And I mean people that don't include me in a long list of others, that don't include me as an after thought, that don't include me because I am dating or married to one of their friends. I am sure some of this is my fault. Often, I don't go seeking to spend time with people who could be closer friends (Melanie, Honey, Gail ... ) because I don't think that they would want to spend time with me. What kind of messed up self-fulfilling set up is that?!?!? Or, like the folks at work, I don't think they'd like the real me so they only see small parts of who I am. Gah! But if I don't know who I am, then who am I showing them and who am I hiding?!?! Yeah, I'm a bit messed up on this.

I know when I left Jason, I was really worried about where I would land among our friends. I had become so distant from my friends in NC after the move down here. And I chalked most of my new friends in Georgia as actually being Jason's friends and my acquaintances. Which is pretty much how that turned out. I acquired new friends then through Brooks ... but they seem to have become distant through our break-up. Not all, but some. So, as I look back, I don't see a solid group of friends that have been with me for longer than 5 years. I had friends in high school, in college, while teaching in NC, and now while living in GA. But it seems that rarely does a friendship with someone carry over into the next segment of the timeline of my life. Again, I'm willing to take some of the fault. But then that bothers me about who that makes me. I wonder what it is about me that seems to get a good group of friends, and then cut them loose and move on to another group.

So, for now, thank you to those that are my friends. My goal is to do better by you and not lose you in the next few years. My goal is to also set up some time for me to get together with some of the others, the ones that may be lost friends if I don't.

-A

On Death, Fun, Bad Decisions, and Life

Around 2:30 this morning a truck containing 3 young men had an accident. One died and the other two are currently in the hospital. I don't know what exactly happened, but the police suspect alcohol and speed to have been involved. This is important to me because two of them had been on my class rosters within the last 3 years (and maybe all three, there is some confusion here as to who the 3rd boy is). So, death, fun, bad decisions, and life. I know that is a strange mix to ponder, but that is what's running through my mind today.

Death: Why does it hurt when someone dies? It doesn't always, and different people experience different levels of pain. But more related to my thoughts today: what are the reasons for the pain? I get the whole they-won't-be-a-part-of-my-life pain. Death can create an absence in our lives, a void that used to be filled. The pain created by that loss makes sense to me. In some ways the pain is lessened over time as the void shrinks or is filled by other people or activities. I don't hurt daily from Tracy's death, but I do feel it occasionally. I also get the loss-of-a-dream-for-the-future. I think that pain comes more from the a death of the dream than the death of the person. And maybe that is some of what I feel today for Adam. He was less than 2 weeks away from graduation. That is seen as a big door that we walk through, entering a new part of our lives. I'll never get to find out what he could have been, what he could have done. But who is to say that there is a good future for anyone. Maybe some deaths come when a person has met their potential. Maybe some deaths come just as a chance for the soul to end a life heading nowhere good as a way to get a chance to start it all over and try for better next time. That sounds like the "Choose Your Own Adventure" view to reincarnation. And maybe where most of the pain comes from is the unknown: could there have been more to that life; is there a "better place" after death?

Fun: It has come up quite a bit recently that I seem to put a lot of importance on feeling good and having fun. I like fun, because it is ... well ... fun. I figure most of what we do, we do because we enjoy it on some level. It is what we *want* to do. Even the things that we do through responsibility can be linked up to giving us a good feeling. A feeling of accomplishment or success is a good feeling. What is so bad about wanting to feel good?

Bad Decisions: And this actually is an extension of my thoughts on fun. When does pursuing fun become a bad decision? Are there bad decisions? These boys were out having fun but it could easily be said that they made a bad decision: they were out at 2:30 on a school night, possibly drinking, possibly driving too fast. When does it cross the line from a fun time to a stupid decision? I don't think a choice should be labeled "bad" just because there is a negative result. We don't know what the result will be when we make a choice. Shouldn't it have been a bad choice all along? Even if we get away with it? Even if we don't get caught or burned by the choice? And if it was a bad choice all along, what made it a bad choice from the beginning? Is it just because it had the potential to cause harm? Many decisions have the potential to cause harm that we wouldn't ordinarily label as bad. Maybe it is the level of potential harm, but then where is that level set. Or maybe are no choices "bad choices" but rather it is just something we attribute to choices after we deem the consequences too high a price to have to be paid as a way to help us make sense of a crazy world. The decision itself isn't good or bad, sometimes the results just suck.

Life: One last thought, coming from my email signature and rather appropriate for the day, a quote from John W. Garnder: Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. Live the life you want to live because there isn't a chance to go back and change any part of it. That is what I am trying to do. I can't beat myself up over the past, but in viewing it now from a slight distance I can see the changes I want to make in the now, in my life, in me. I will try to proceed in a way that shows I have learned from my previous actions and experiences, in a way that shows what I value and who I value.

I don't even know if these thoughts are all coherent. I don't think I am done with them, but my brain needs a rest for the day.

-A

Mediocrity

How do you feel and react when someone compliments you? Do you appreciate it and feel good about yourself? Or, is there another reaction? I have noticed that a lot of people (me included) don't do well with compliments. It was recently pointed out to me that I will dodge or deflect a compliment. When did it become a normal reaction to dismiss a compliment? What makes some people have a hard time accepting that others think there is something good or special about them? What were we taught that wired some of us this way? Are we still doing it to our children?

I think at some point in time it became okay to be mediocre or even to try for mediocrity, as if it is some character flaw to see ourselves as special or good at what we do. Or maybe it is just an outward show of playing down the praise, but inside we are thrilled to have the acknowledgment. I think some people are scared of the praise. That the praise will set up the prospect for them to be special, good, spectacular, whatever, and they are worried they can't meet that expectation.

Maybe this isn't as wide spread as I see it, but these reactions disturb me. And I know that I am guilty of it, too. But, I have started to pay close attention to what I say, do, and feel when I hear something nice about me (actually, all the time, but this is something to which I have taken special notice). I almost have to pause for a brief moment to give myself an internal okay to accept the praise, flattery, whatever is being said. Isn't that sad? Maybe if I do it enough this new response will become the norm.

I hope that I am raising my daughter and son to be able to appreciate their strengths and accept admiration/approval. I hope I can set them a good example in this.

-A

Being me

Funny, Mark's blog brought be back to Blogger and thinking of this old blog yet again. Lots of changes for me lately and they have got me thinking. Who am I now? Who have I been the last 3 years? I was there some of the time. But I do not feel like I was being true to myself. I hope I am back to being me. I feel like I am. Or at least trying to be true to who I want to be and figuring out who that might be.

Often I feel like I am becoming me again, I come back things that I enjoy but left behind ... for whatever reason. But, then I lose myself again. Lose myself into the day to day life. Lose myself into a relationship that isn't healthy. I am sick of losing myself. How do we do that so many times in our lives? How do we let it happen? I guess it isn't right to say "we". I think it is a glitch in my personality. I have this tendency to diminish who I am into someone that I think others expect me to be.

In other thoughts, all loves are different. And all new loves feel like they are the best there has ever been. Is that just the feeling because it is so good or is that the feeling because it really is better? Doesn't each new love need to be better than those before for us to pursue it? I mean, what would be the point in pursuing a love that feels just like something before or worse than something before.

Yep, you guessed it. I'm in love again. And it feels amazing. But unlike last time, I feel like I get to be me. I share my flaws rather than trying to hide or compensate for them. I don't want to fall into that trap of presenting someone I'm not and then having to be that false-me for the rest of the relationship.

Here's to it being good this time. Here's to be being strong. Here's to me figuring out who I am.

-A