In His Eyes

In his eyes, I am fantastic in so many ways.

That he sees me as fantastic means the world to me! He sees the strength, caring, smarts, love, silliness, insecurities, craziness, passion, and weaknesses in me. He likes all the parts of me. He has seen me at my worst, at my lowest, and he still likes me. And that is helping me to learn to like myself again. He sees me and encourages me to do what I want, to be myself, to find out more about what I like and what I want to do. That is one of the many reasons why I value him so much.

That he sees me as fantastic is amazing, and wow it also hurts! In a good way, but it hurts. Rarely in my life have I felt that people knew the real me, let alone liked the real me. Yes, I know that some of that is self-fulfilling because I haven't often let people see the real me. (See "Who Am I?" post.) But that trust problem came from so many times where I did share who I was with people and got shunned for it. For whatever reason, I didn't have much of this before. It is so good to have it now but there is some pain at knowing it was missing for so long. And here he is his knowing and loving me. It is a little scary. I don't want to let him down.

I will add that he is not the only one seeing and saying this to me, especially lately. Maybe I am being more trusting of my friends and sharing with them the real me. Maybe there are more people in my life looking to see me. Or maybe I am just listening better now.

-A

Getting Through A Monday Blegh

The weekend was great! It started with his call Friday morning at 5:15 saying that he was in my yard. Now that is an awesome wake-up call! From snuggling together, watching sci-fi movies, talking about anything and everything, and the outings to see so many friends, it was just all good. It felt so good. I commented once that when we are together it seems like we just pick right back up with where we left off from the last visit. Yeah, the time alone is there too ... but it isn't like we have an awkward getting-to-know-each-other moment. We just are together. (Although, we definitely are still getting to know each other. See below.) I actually slipped up once at the party on Saturday and said, "When we get back to our place ..." *Our* place?!?! He'd only been to my home this one time, but that really did just flow right on out of my mouth. It felt like our place. It felt right.

And now he is on the road heading home.

After he left, I spent some time this morning getting back in touch with friends. Logged into my IM accounts and FB. Things that I didn't bother doing all weekend. That got me through the initial hour. But then the *blegh* hit. I just didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to pick up a book. I didn't want to play a game. I didn't want to watch a movie. (For me to not want to do one of those, that says a lot!) So I took a nap. Yeah, I probably needed it. Lots of late nights and ninja kisses. But it was more that I was just avoiding that he wasn't here. Avoiding having to figure out what to do with my day. Gods! I've had plenty of days with him not here, but this one sucked.

Although the time apart is tough, in some ways I think it is good for us. It gives us each time to do our own thing rather than getting too wrapped up in each other and losing ourselves (something that I have definitely done before and do not want to repeat). It forces us to talk, which lets us learn more about each other and this new entity known as *us*. It also lets that new *us* develop naturally, rather than having some roles cast on either of us that aren't the right fit. And, I do NOT want to get a year down the road only to see us moving apart and thinking, "If only we'd taken more time ..." I do not want to fuck this up. Sure, there will be bumps, small and big. I accept and expect that. But, if not rushing into anything ends up avoiding a big fuck-up in the end ... yeah, I'll take this time apart and be happy that he is just a phone call, email, or IM away.

But, as the title says, I am getting through the blegh. The nap helped, but this post is really my way of working through it. I needed to remember the good weekend and just how great it feels to be together, whether separated by miles or not at all.

-A