On Death, Fun, Bad Decisions, and Life

Around 2:30 this morning a truck containing 3 young men had an accident. One died and the other two are currently in the hospital. I don't know what exactly happened, but the police suspect alcohol and speed to have been involved. This is important to me because two of them had been on my class rosters within the last 3 years (and maybe all three, there is some confusion here as to who the 3rd boy is). So, death, fun, bad decisions, and life. I know that is a strange mix to ponder, but that is what's running through my mind today.

Death: Why does it hurt when someone dies? It doesn't always, and different people experience different levels of pain. But more related to my thoughts today: what are the reasons for the pain? I get the whole they-won't-be-a-part-of-my-life pain. Death can create an absence in our lives, a void that used to be filled. The pain created by that loss makes sense to me. In some ways the pain is lessened over time as the void shrinks or is filled by other people or activities. I don't hurt daily from Tracy's death, but I do feel it occasionally. I also get the loss-of-a-dream-for-the-future. I think that pain comes more from the a death of the dream than the death of the person. And maybe that is some of what I feel today for Adam. He was less than 2 weeks away from graduation. That is seen as a big door that we walk through, entering a new part of our lives. I'll never get to find out what he could have been, what he could have done. But who is to say that there is a good future for anyone. Maybe some deaths come when a person has met their potential. Maybe some deaths come just as a chance for the soul to end a life heading nowhere good as a way to get a chance to start it all over and try for better next time. That sounds like the "Choose Your Own Adventure" view to reincarnation. And maybe where most of the pain comes from is the unknown: could there have been more to that life; is there a "better place" after death?

Fun: It has come up quite a bit recently that I seem to put a lot of importance on feeling good and having fun. I like fun, because it is ... well ... fun. I figure most of what we do, we do because we enjoy it on some level. It is what we *want* to do. Even the things that we do through responsibility can be linked up to giving us a good feeling. A feeling of accomplishment or success is a good feeling. What is so bad about wanting to feel good?

Bad Decisions: And this actually is an extension of my thoughts on fun. When does pursuing fun become a bad decision? Are there bad decisions? These boys were out having fun but it could easily be said that they made a bad decision: they were out at 2:30 on a school night, possibly drinking, possibly driving too fast. When does it cross the line from a fun time to a stupid decision? I don't think a choice should be labeled "bad" just because there is a negative result. We don't know what the result will be when we make a choice. Shouldn't it have been a bad choice all along? Even if we get away with it? Even if we don't get caught or burned by the choice? And if it was a bad choice all along, what made it a bad choice from the beginning? Is it just because it had the potential to cause harm? Many decisions have the potential to cause harm that we wouldn't ordinarily label as bad. Maybe it is the level of potential harm, but then where is that level set. Or maybe are no choices "bad choices" but rather it is just something we attribute to choices after we deem the consequences too high a price to have to be paid as a way to help us make sense of a crazy world. The decision itself isn't good or bad, sometimes the results just suck.

Life: One last thought, coming from my email signature and rather appropriate for the day, a quote from John W. Garnder: Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. Live the life you want to live because there isn't a chance to go back and change any part of it. That is what I am trying to do. I can't beat myself up over the past, but in viewing it now from a slight distance I can see the changes I want to make in the now, in my life, in me. I will try to proceed in a way that shows I have learned from my previous actions and experiences, in a way that shows what I value and who I value.

I don't even know if these thoughts are all coherent. I don't think I am done with them, but my brain needs a rest for the day.

-A

Mediocrity

How do you feel and react when someone compliments you? Do you appreciate it and feel good about yourself? Or, is there another reaction? I have noticed that a lot of people (me included) don't do well with compliments. It was recently pointed out to me that I will dodge or deflect a compliment. When did it become a normal reaction to dismiss a compliment? What makes some people have a hard time accepting that others think there is something good or special about them? What were we taught that wired some of us this way? Are we still doing it to our children?

I think at some point in time it became okay to be mediocre or even to try for mediocrity, as if it is some character flaw to see ourselves as special or good at what we do. Or maybe it is just an outward show of playing down the praise, but inside we are thrilled to have the acknowledgment. I think some people are scared of the praise. That the praise will set up the prospect for them to be special, good, spectacular, whatever, and they are worried they can't meet that expectation.

Maybe this isn't as wide spread as I see it, but these reactions disturb me. And I know that I am guilty of it, too. But, I have started to pay close attention to what I say, do, and feel when I hear something nice about me (actually, all the time, but this is something to which I have taken special notice). I almost have to pause for a brief moment to give myself an internal okay to accept the praise, flattery, whatever is being said. Isn't that sad? Maybe if I do it enough this new response will become the norm.

I hope that I am raising my daughter and son to be able to appreciate their strengths and accept admiration/approval. I hope I can set them a good example in this.

-A