In His Eyes

In his eyes, I am fantastic in so many ways.

That he sees me as fantastic means the world to me! He sees the strength, caring, smarts, love, silliness, insecurities, craziness, passion, and weaknesses in me. He likes all the parts of me. He has seen me at my worst, at my lowest, and he still likes me. And that is helping me to learn to like myself again. He sees me and encourages me to do what I want, to be myself, to find out more about what I like and what I want to do. That is one of the many reasons why I value him so much.

That he sees me as fantastic is amazing, and wow it also hurts! In a good way, but it hurts. Rarely in my life have I felt that people knew the real me, let alone liked the real me. Yes, I know that some of that is self-fulfilling because I haven't often let people see the real me. (See "Who Am I?" post.) But that trust problem came from so many times where I did share who I was with people and got shunned for it. For whatever reason, I didn't have much of this before. It is so good to have it now but there is some pain at knowing it was missing for so long. And here he is his knowing and loving me. It is a little scary. I don't want to let him down.

I will add that he is not the only one seeing and saying this to me, especially lately. Maybe I am being more trusting of my friends and sharing with them the real me. Maybe there are more people in my life looking to see me. Or maybe I am just listening better now.

-A

Who am I?

I have a few insecurities. Don't we all? But mine tend to revolve around who I am. I don't see me as having a clear cut personality. Damn you Katie Atkinson for saying those words so long ago, but they have sat in my memory for years. I feel that I often become whoever I need to be around different people, a chameleon of personalities. So, if it changes that much, what is it that I am? Or, is that a personality type? I was told tonight that I make people comfortable around me ... is that because of who I am or that I am adept at reflecting back to them someone they want to be around. Or, again, is that a personality in and of itself and this isn't something to stress and fret over. Maybe I just need to accept that who I am is just so many different, near opposite ideas, and not that I change to fit the situation. But that what I am is a personality that is quiet & outgoing, reserved & flirty, dreamer & grounded, chaotic & a planner.

Ok, bare with me because to me this is related: I don't have many friends. Or, I don't perceive myself to have many friends. I would say that I can count on one hand the number of people that actively seek to spend time with me, and I acquired 3 of them in the last few months. Ok, not counting family. And I mean people that don't include me in a long list of others, that don't include me as an after thought, that don't include me because I am dating or married to one of their friends. I am sure some of this is my fault. Often, I don't go seeking to spend time with people who could be closer friends (Melanie, Honey, Gail ... ) because I don't think that they would want to spend time with me. What kind of messed up self-fulfilling set up is that?!?!? Or, like the folks at work, I don't think they'd like the real me so they only see small parts of who I am. Gah! But if I don't know who I am, then who am I showing them and who am I hiding?!?! Yeah, I'm a bit messed up on this.

I know when I left Jason, I was really worried about where I would land among our friends. I had become so distant from my friends in NC after the move down here. And I chalked most of my new friends in Georgia as actually being Jason's friends and my acquaintances. Which is pretty much how that turned out. I acquired new friends then through Brooks ... but they seem to have become distant through our break-up. Not all, but some. So, as I look back, I don't see a solid group of friends that have been with me for longer than 5 years. I had friends in high school, in college, while teaching in NC, and now while living in GA. But it seems that rarely does a friendship with someone carry over into the next segment of the timeline of my life. Again, I'm willing to take some of the fault. But then that bothers me about who that makes me. I wonder what it is about me that seems to get a good group of friends, and then cut them loose and move on to another group.

So, for now, thank you to those that are my friends. My goal is to do better by you and not lose you in the next few years. My goal is to also set up some time for me to get together with some of the others, the ones that may be lost friends if I don't.

-A

Mediocrity

How do you feel and react when someone compliments you? Do you appreciate it and feel good about yourself? Or, is there another reaction? I have noticed that a lot of people (me included) don't do well with compliments. It was recently pointed out to me that I will dodge or deflect a compliment. When did it become a normal reaction to dismiss a compliment? What makes some people have a hard time accepting that others think there is something good or special about them? What were we taught that wired some of us this way? Are we still doing it to our children?

I think at some point in time it became okay to be mediocre or even to try for mediocrity, as if it is some character flaw to see ourselves as special or good at what we do. Or maybe it is just an outward show of playing down the praise, but inside we are thrilled to have the acknowledgment. I think some people are scared of the praise. That the praise will set up the prospect for them to be special, good, spectacular, whatever, and they are worried they can't meet that expectation.

Maybe this isn't as wide spread as I see it, but these reactions disturb me. And I know that I am guilty of it, too. But, I have started to pay close attention to what I say, do, and feel when I hear something nice about me (actually, all the time, but this is something to which I have taken special notice). I almost have to pause for a brief moment to give myself an internal okay to accept the praise, flattery, whatever is being said. Isn't that sad? Maybe if I do it enough this new response will become the norm.

I hope that I am raising my daughter and son to be able to appreciate their strengths and accept admiration/approval. I hope I can set them a good example in this.

-A

Being me

Funny, Mark's blog brought be back to Blogger and thinking of this old blog yet again. Lots of changes for me lately and they have got me thinking. Who am I now? Who have I been the last 3 years? I was there some of the time. But I do not feel like I was being true to myself. I hope I am back to being me. I feel like I am. Or at least trying to be true to who I want to be and figuring out who that might be.

Often I feel like I am becoming me again, I come back things that I enjoy but left behind ... for whatever reason. But, then I lose myself again. Lose myself into the day to day life. Lose myself into a relationship that isn't healthy. I am sick of losing myself. How do we do that so many times in our lives? How do we let it happen? I guess it isn't right to say "we". I think it is a glitch in my personality. I have this tendency to diminish who I am into someone that I think others expect me to be.

In other thoughts, all loves are different. And all new loves feel like they are the best there has ever been. Is that just the feeling because it is so good or is that the feeling because it really is better? Doesn't each new love need to be better than those before for us to pursue it? I mean, what would be the point in pursuing a love that feels just like something before or worse than something before.

Yep, you guessed it. I'm in love again. And it feels amazing. But unlike last time, I feel like I get to be me. I share my flaws rather than trying to hide or compensate for them. I don't want to fall into that trap of presenting someone I'm not and then having to be that false-me for the rest of the relationship.

Here's to it being good this time. Here's to be being strong. Here's to me figuring out who I am.

-A

Away too long

Everything goes in cycles. I post here off and on ... but I know it is here. Why not more often? I only came back here today because I was bored and decided to catch up on a buddy's blog. I say "buddy" but he doesn't even know that I know of his blog. I haven't seen him in a while and if I emailed him, I doubt he would know who I was unless I mentioned my husband. My husband ... my soon to be ex-husband. Who do I become once we are divorced? Who am I now to my friends that I acquired through him? I've already lost one friend because of this separation. I wonder how many more ... I wonder how many won't even be able to recall who I am when I can't say that I am Jason's wife any more.

Anyways, back to Mark's blog - he was a paladin (which I can see) so I had to go and see what class I was. :( First I was an NPC ... nothing special. Not anything good, just exactly that: nothing special. Who wants to be nothing special. So, of course I couldn't just leave it at that. I took the quiz again. I only changed a few answers and still really don't think that I incorrectly answered any the first or second time through but this time I get a prestige class. Odd that only 2 or 3 different answers bumped me up from NPC, past a regular class, to a prestige class. I'm guessing it is just a prestige class because it says that I'm a mix of two classes/abilities.

Arcane Trickster
22% Combativeness, 100% Sneakiness, 76% Intellect, 47% Spirituality
Brilliant and sneaky: You are an Arcane Trickster!
Score! You have a prestige class. A prestige class can only be taken after you've fulfilled certain requirements. This may mean that you're an exceptionally talented person, but it probably doesn't.
Arcane Tricksters combine arcane magic with rogue skills and sensibilities. They use their magic to confuse their opponents or to augment their more mundane, roguish skills. If you thought it was annoying keeping an eye that that rogue, the Arcane Trickster is probably picking your pocket from the other side of the room.
Both smart and sneaky, you're probably the type of person that loves planning practical jokes... either that or knocking over banks.



My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 13% on Combativeness

You scored higher than 99% on Sneakiness

You scored higher than 61% on Intellect

You scored higher than 36% on Spirituality

The RPG Class Test
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=1532690756472625027