In His Eyes

In his eyes, I am fantastic in so many ways.

That he sees me as fantastic means the world to me! He sees the strength, caring, smarts, love, silliness, insecurities, craziness, passion, and weaknesses in me. He likes all the parts of me. He has seen me at my worst, at my lowest, and he still likes me. And that is helping me to learn to like myself again. He sees me and encourages me to do what I want, to be myself, to find out more about what I like and what I want to do. That is one of the many reasons why I value him so much.

That he sees me as fantastic is amazing, and wow it also hurts! In a good way, but it hurts. Rarely in my life have I felt that people knew the real me, let alone liked the real me. Yes, I know that some of that is self-fulfilling because I haven't often let people see the real me. (See "Who Am I?" post.) But that trust problem came from so many times where I did share who I was with people and got shunned for it. For whatever reason, I didn't have much of this before. It is so good to have it now but there is some pain at knowing it was missing for so long. And here he is his knowing and loving me. It is a little scary. I don't want to let him down.

I will add that he is not the only one seeing and saying this to me, especially lately. Maybe I am being more trusting of my friends and sharing with them the real me. Maybe there are more people in my life looking to see me. Or maybe I am just listening better now.

-A

Being me

Funny, Mark's blog brought be back to Blogger and thinking of this old blog yet again. Lots of changes for me lately and they have got me thinking. Who am I now? Who have I been the last 3 years? I was there some of the time. But I do not feel like I was being true to myself. I hope I am back to being me. I feel like I am. Or at least trying to be true to who I want to be and figuring out who that might be.

Often I feel like I am becoming me again, I come back things that I enjoy but left behind ... for whatever reason. But, then I lose myself again. Lose myself into the day to day life. Lose myself into a relationship that isn't healthy. I am sick of losing myself. How do we do that so many times in our lives? How do we let it happen? I guess it isn't right to say "we". I think it is a glitch in my personality. I have this tendency to diminish who I am into someone that I think others expect me to be.

In other thoughts, all loves are different. And all new loves feel like they are the best there has ever been. Is that just the feeling because it is so good or is that the feeling because it really is better? Doesn't each new love need to be better than those before for us to pursue it? I mean, what would be the point in pursuing a love that feels just like something before or worse than something before.

Yep, you guessed it. I'm in love again. And it feels amazing. But unlike last time, I feel like I get to be me. I share my flaws rather than trying to hide or compensate for them. I don't want to fall into that trap of presenting someone I'm not and then having to be that false-me for the rest of the relationship.

Here's to it being good this time. Here's to be being strong. Here's to me figuring out who I am.

-A