Being me

Funny, Mark's blog brought be back to Blogger and thinking of this old blog yet again. Lots of changes for me lately and they have got me thinking. Who am I now? Who have I been the last 3 years? I was there some of the time. But I do not feel like I was being true to myself. I hope I am back to being me. I feel like I am. Or at least trying to be true to who I want to be and figuring out who that might be.

Often I feel like I am becoming me again, I come back things that I enjoy but left behind ... for whatever reason. But, then I lose myself again. Lose myself into the day to day life. Lose myself into a relationship that isn't healthy. I am sick of losing myself. How do we do that so many times in our lives? How do we let it happen? I guess it isn't right to say "we". I think it is a glitch in my personality. I have this tendency to diminish who I am into someone that I think others expect me to be.

In other thoughts, all loves are different. And all new loves feel like they are the best there has ever been. Is that just the feeling because it is so good or is that the feeling because it really is better? Doesn't each new love need to be better than those before for us to pursue it? I mean, what would be the point in pursuing a love that feels just like something before or worse than something before.

Yep, you guessed it. I'm in love again. And it feels amazing. But unlike last time, I feel like I get to be me. I share my flaws rather than trying to hide or compensate for them. I don't want to fall into that trap of presenting someone I'm not and then having to be that false-me for the rest of the relationship.

Here's to it being good this time. Here's to be being strong. Here's to me figuring out who I am.

-A

Away too long

Everything goes in cycles. I post here off and on ... but I know it is here. Why not more often? I only came back here today because I was bored and decided to catch up on a buddy's blog. I say "buddy" but he doesn't even know that I know of his blog. I haven't seen him in a while and if I emailed him, I doubt he would know who I was unless I mentioned my husband. My husband ... my soon to be ex-husband. Who do I become once we are divorced? Who am I now to my friends that I acquired through him? I've already lost one friend because of this separation. I wonder how many more ... I wonder how many won't even be able to recall who I am when I can't say that I am Jason's wife any more.

Anyways, back to Mark's blog - he was a paladin (which I can see) so I had to go and see what class I was. :( First I was an NPC ... nothing special. Not anything good, just exactly that: nothing special. Who wants to be nothing special. So, of course I couldn't just leave it at that. I took the quiz again. I only changed a few answers and still really don't think that I incorrectly answered any the first or second time through but this time I get a prestige class. Odd that only 2 or 3 different answers bumped me up from NPC, past a regular class, to a prestige class. I'm guessing it is just a prestige class because it says that I'm a mix of two classes/abilities.

Arcane Trickster
22% Combativeness, 100% Sneakiness, 76% Intellect, 47% Spirituality
Brilliant and sneaky: You are an Arcane Trickster!
Score! You have a prestige class. A prestige class can only be taken after you've fulfilled certain requirements. This may mean that you're an exceptionally talented person, but it probably doesn't.
Arcane Tricksters combine arcane magic with rogue skills and sensibilities. They use their magic to confuse their opponents or to augment their more mundane, roguish skills. If you thought it was annoying keeping an eye that that rogue, the Arcane Trickster is probably picking your pocket from the other side of the room.
Both smart and sneaky, you're probably the type of person that loves planning practical jokes... either that or knocking over banks.



My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 13% on Combativeness

You scored higher than 99% on Sneakiness

You scored higher than 61% on Intellect

You scored higher than 36% on Spirituality

The RPG Class Test
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=1532690756472625027

A heart the size of the world

Ever notice how some words just pierce right through any armor in place and penetrate your heart? What gives those words that ability? What gives some people the ability to say those words? Does it improve with practice? Is it an overall ability that a person can use with everyone, or does it work with certain recipients?

I have definitely noticed when it happens, both from me and to me. As to the other questions, I don't know. I wish I did. Every time I manage to pull it off (usually without ever meaning to) it is a small gift. A bonus. A treat. I made someone's heart skip a beat. I helped to show them just who or what they truly are. I made them speechless as they try to assimilate the truth of my words into their understanding of the world and their place in it.

B - you do have a heart the size of the world.

The Perfect Woman

I got a great compliment yesterday. I was offering to paint up a miniature for a friend and mentioned that I was an *award winning painter* now! Yeah, I was bragging. I think I'm a pretty good mini-painter and I've been absolutely thrilled since the con that I won (well, tied) a painting contest.

After that, I was told I was the "perfect woman". Then, my qualities were listed: I paint minis, I game -and I'm not the wife that gets dragged to gaming, I actively seek it out- , I roleplay, I look good (and what woman really hates hearing that???), I wear snarky t-shirts (yesterday was "rogues do it from behind" - hey! I was playing my rogues yesterday!), and I crack witty jokes.

I've got to admit, that was a very pleasing ego boost! Thank you, Sean. The next beer is on me!

I think a lot of it is that I have always gotten along better with men than with women. And I don't know why that is. It works out well in the gaming community, there really aren't that many women that play rpgs. Hell, that just makes me more of a unique quantity.

I really hated moving down to the Hot-lanta area. It took me over a year before I started even making friends. And all of them are gamers. That certainly isn't a complaint. I'm thankful. If it weren't for the active gaming community here, it would be just me and the family. Odd ... with the gamers, at cons, I am constantly seeing people, chatting, smiling, having fun. Outside of them, I'm very much alone. Even looking at my buddy list on Trillian, the only people on there other than gamers are either family (and in my family, only my mom isn't a gamer also) or my students.

Hrmmm ... my students ... that is a post for a different day.

L8r

Someone Special

Thank you, love! You just made me feel so incredibly special. I've never had someone tell me that they wished they could give me a dream, that they want to give me magic, that they would create for me a day in which I was the center of so much. I wasn't lying or exaggerating when I said I wasn't used to that. I didn't grow up with the focus and adoration of my parents ... any of them. My wedding wasn't much in the way of a celebration. We got married at the county jail house, I was 7 months pregnant, my daughter and mother were there. I've never been sad about it or found that day lacking. It did what it needed. I just didn't realize until today that I would have enjoyed the romance.

I don't know how you can make me so happy and so sad at the same time. You've disagreed with me, but I really don't have a right to expect to get anymore than I do. Love or not, there are circumstances that will keep us from getting all that we want. I don't want to mope and mourn for what I can not have, I don't want to pine for more. You have given me so much. I am happy for that. I am happy for every smile you show me, for every caring thought you have for me.

A

Hunger

Ever love someone so much that just being away from them hurt? It shouldn't, right? The love ought to brighten every part of your life. Bah! I'm just moody. Being sexually unsatisfied and frustrated twice today, my body hungers for some attention. Having not eaten much today, my body hungers for plain ol' food. Having not slept much last night, my body just needs rest. I'm starved for some of the basics, and it is making me depressed. Easy fix = go eat then go have sex then go to sleep. But it is just a downward spiral. I'm hungry, but not appetized, so I don't eat. Since my energy reserves are dropping low, I don' t have sex. The sleep bit ... eh, that will come.

*mental kick to the head* Agh! Stop it. I'm going to get something to snack on.

...

Hmmmm ... less than 2 hours left in the first day of the new year. Would you believe that I haven't thought of any resolutions. Guess I ought to start:

1. I resolve to stop moping around when I get in a funk ... that'll be hard to do. Sometimes a funk and a healthy cry just feel so good.
2. I resolve to spend more time with my kids. (annual thing :) )
3. I resolve either to do my job right or to quit ... I'm sick of whining about it.
4. I resolve to be grounded and search for my connections (another annual thing)

...

I'm sure there will be more. Aren't there always?

To B & J, I love you both so very much. How can I have a life with both of you? How can I not?

Midnight dreams

Yeah ... I wish I was dreaming right now. Unfortunately my son has other plans for me at this time. Yep, 1am and the kid is still going strong. It is just him, me, and whatever he can think up for us to do ... which involves kicking an inflatable soccer ball around right now. There is something magical about being with a kid at this time of night. No one else is awake. No one is around. I remember when my daughter was just a baby. I used to look forward to her waking up for a 2am feeding and not going back to sleep.

Who knows ... maybe it is just my sleepiness that makes the moment seem all hazy and wonderful. I'll probably regret it in the morning. ;)

Sweet dreams