Someone Special

Thank you, love! You just made me feel so incredibly special. I've never had someone tell me that they wished they could give me a dream, that they want to give me magic, that they would create for me a day in which I was the center of so much. I wasn't lying or exaggerating when I said I wasn't used to that. I didn't grow up with the focus and adoration of my parents ... any of them. My wedding wasn't much in the way of a celebration. We got married at the county jail house, I was 7 months pregnant, my daughter and mother were there. I've never been sad about it or found that day lacking. It did what it needed. I just didn't realize until today that I would have enjoyed the romance.

I don't know how you can make me so happy and so sad at the same time. You've disagreed with me, but I really don't have a right to expect to get anymore than I do. Love or not, there are circumstances that will keep us from getting all that we want. I don't want to mope and mourn for what I can not have, I don't want to pine for more. You have given me so much. I am happy for that. I am happy for every smile you show me, for every caring thought you have for me.

A

Hunger

Ever love someone so much that just being away from them hurt? It shouldn't, right? The love ought to brighten every part of your life. Bah! I'm just moody. Being sexually unsatisfied and frustrated twice today, my body hungers for some attention. Having not eaten much today, my body hungers for plain ol' food. Having not slept much last night, my body just needs rest. I'm starved for some of the basics, and it is making me depressed. Easy fix = go eat then go have sex then go to sleep. But it is just a downward spiral. I'm hungry, but not appetized, so I don't eat. Since my energy reserves are dropping low, I don' t have sex. The sleep bit ... eh, that will come.

*mental kick to the head* Agh! Stop it. I'm going to get something to snack on.

...

Hmmmm ... less than 2 hours left in the first day of the new year. Would you believe that I haven't thought of any resolutions. Guess I ought to start:

1. I resolve to stop moping around when I get in a funk ... that'll be hard to do. Sometimes a funk and a healthy cry just feel so good.
2. I resolve to spend more time with my kids. (annual thing :) )
3. I resolve either to do my job right or to quit ... I'm sick of whining about it.
4. I resolve to be grounded and search for my connections (another annual thing)

...

I'm sure there will be more. Aren't there always?

To B & J, I love you both so very much. How can I have a life with both of you? How can I not?

Midnight dreams

Yeah ... I wish I was dreaming right now. Unfortunately my son has other plans for me at this time. Yep, 1am and the kid is still going strong. It is just him, me, and whatever he can think up for us to do ... which involves kicking an inflatable soccer ball around right now. There is something magical about being with a kid at this time of night. No one else is awake. No one is around. I remember when my daughter was just a baby. I used to look forward to her waking up for a 2am feeding and not going back to sleep.

Who knows ... maybe it is just my sleepiness that makes the moment seem all hazy and wonderful. I'll probably regret it in the morning. ;)

Sweet dreams